Fuck I am officially a quarter of a century old. I am now closer to thirty than twenty…. I am fast approaching middle age, incontinency and general losing of my marbles. And I STILL DON’T HAVE A BOYFRIEND. Or a career or a house…
Okay, slight hysterical panic over but it’s still a terrifying thought to think I’m now in the second half of my twenties. I am practically ancient…. My brain began ticking which admittedly doesn’t occur all that often. Have I achieved anything worthwhile or vaguely notable before reaching this monumental milestone? I don’t think being a prolific dater, being able to do 100 burpees or having sex in a lift really count as life achievements. Surely I’ve done something, anything!? Am I meant to be on some successful career path right now with my Prada handbag on one arm and my drop dead gorgeous, incredibly wealthy boyfriend on the other?….. Or, maybe I should be trekking up the side of some mountain in outer Mongolia trying to “find myself?”
Well, considering neither of those things are on the horizon I got to thinking about shifting the inner hysteria from what I’ve achieved, (clearly not a great deal..,) to what I want to achieve. And, perhaps more importantly to what I’ve learnt and am still learning about life, love and London and most frighteningly about myself…. And, what better way to articulate this than in every London bloggers favourite format, the good old Listicle. So, here goes – prepare for the embarrassment of a verbal dissection of the small amount of things I’ve learnt about my mental mind and life thus far….
1. Gin is not the drink for me. I cannot and should not ever drink it again no matter how good an idea it seems at the time. Every time I think a gin and tonic sounds delightful I must cast my mind back to the numerous evenings I have ended up as a suicidal, inconsolable and incoherent idiot and that is NOT a good look.
2. Change is horrid but essential. Had I not taken the slightly crazy decision to leave my boyfriend, friends and life to up sticks and move to London aged 21, I’d probably still be in my tiny back bedroom. However , I would be now sharing my room with two foreign spare room lodgers that my crazy Mama has moved in. I mean if they looked like Brad Pitt perhaps that wouldn’t be so horrid after all…
3.Turtlenecks DO suit me. It only took losing about five pounds, and twenty five years but my dear friend the turtleneck and I got there in the end.
4.Cheesy but true, you do have to love the body you’re in. Yes, I would absolutely love to have never ending legs and a washboard stomach like Gigi Hadid.. But, let’s face it ain’t gonna happen when I consume about ten bottles of wine per week. And, I think a little cellulite is in fact character building.
5.Sex in public places is totally allowed and should be encouraged.
6.In fact I’ve learnt I need to have more sex full stop . Don’t get me wrong. I’m not about to be sent to the Covent as a virginal nun. But, there’s nothing wrong with having sex when you want with who you want.
7.Talking is attractive. Life really is too short sometimes to not say what you mean. People respect you more for having an opinion rather than being a shy, retiring wallflower and your views are worth something. Although I’m not sure this rule should always apply. Perhaps advised again after a few too many glasses of wine.
8.Laugh at all times and loudly, especially at yourself. It really is the only way to get through sometimes. I mean I’m even NEARLY seeing the funny side of knocking out my front tooth a week ago. There really is no point in crying over spilt milk/arrogant arseholes. You won’t change anything by doing that and in fact you’ll see there really always is a bright side.
8. You won’t die if you eat a pizza. For the girl who thought carbs were the devil for years it really is okay to eat something naughty once in a while without worrying. You won’t become obese nor will you become a pepperoni pizza.
9. I am yet to master the art of moderation. Now this one is most certainly a work in progress. I still drink far too much and struggle with not detonating the self-destruct button on occasion. But, I’m getting better at going out four nights a week, not five. Yes, life may pass you by if you spend every night on the sofa. But, you’re not really accelerating your life experiences by spending the whole time drunk or with your head down the toilet hungover either.
10. Teeth do break. This is a recent depressing discover. After a few too many Proseccos I succeeded in knocking out half of my front tooth and bashing up my entire face. Also a side discovery, dentists are not cheap! So for my 25th birthday instead of receiving something outrageously decadent as a gift I actually got my two front teeth. A chipped tooth equals eternal singledom. Looking like an ogre for a day was not the one…
11.Brains really are more important than beauty. After the Steady Eddy saga, enough is enough. Beautiful men really are most of the time boring. Since said saga I’ve had a string of very unconventionally good looking and some might even say vaguely geeky men in my bed..(and they actually know what they are doing in there.) God only knows I may end up marrying some sort of mad scientist at this rate. At least then I could potentially get some free Botox…
12.It’s okay to be crap at cooking. Don’t get me wrong I’ve had a few good cracks and I did somehow manage to make a Spaghetti Bolognese from scratch whilst drunk and had no recollection of doing it in the morning once. But, sober cooking is not my forte. Future husbands beware- you may starve. Or, live a life existing on beans on toast and cereal… At least I won’t have a fat other half.
13. It’s okay to hate your job a little bit. After illusions of being a corporate lawyer, enduring three dreadfully dull years of studying law at University, I’ve realised I will never be the next Elle Woods. Judging by the fact my current work/life balance being around 20% work 80 % life/general fun I’d say I’m rather far away from being the CEO of some huge corporation. And, I’m pretty alright with that. Will earning a six figure salary be the key to eternal happiness? I somehow doubt it…
14.As you get older your parents get more mental. Terrifying thought that I may someday morph into my menopausal, highly strung mother who is genuinely terrified of cash machines. Shit, it’s going to happen to us all at some point and there isn’t a hope in hell you can do anything about it.
15.Going to the cinema by yourself is actually quite enjoyable. To see a Disney film no less, Beauty and the beast in fact. Your own company isn’t so bad after all..
16. 69 really is a logistical nightmare. But a nightmare worth exploring. However, it does require maximum effort at all times. It really is true you do get what you give….
17. Shagging your friends is NEVER a good idea. Nor is shagging the guy you sit across from in the office. Note to self arriving at your colleagues house for sex dressed as a potato can cause for a hell of a lot of embarrassment in the office the next day. And for the next few years…..
18.Travel is good for your mind, body and soul and you should do it as much as you can. Trekking around India, despite the Delhi belly was a life changing experience. And I did also manage to snog one of Idris Elba’s friends out of the experience too so life changing in more ways than one. If only it was Idris himself, oh well something to aim for before the big 30…
19.Saying no is important. Not necessarily no to drugs and alcohol. More yes, yes and yes again on that front. But, more not doing things just because you think you SHOULD. If it doesn’t feel right chances are you shouldn’t do it and there’s a reason you feel that way. If only I had realised this before taking my clothes off and opening up to mind to numerous arrogant arseholes.
20. But, saying yes is important too. You can’t plan ahead for everything and Jesus how boring would it be if you did..
21. Spending on silly things is allowed. You can’t always be sensible and safe with everything. Buying something ridiculous you cant afford is completely normal.
22. Yoga isn’t the dullest thing on earth. Admittedly, the first time I did it I did spend the first half of the class trying not to pass wind. And for the duration of the second half I actually fell asleep. But, I’m getting better and my warrior pose isn’t half bad nowadays. Maybe I will find my inner zenn one day…. I don’t think you’ll be getting many “OHM’S…” out of me just yet though.
23. Hangovers really can feel like you’re in your own mini version of a never ending hell, with no cure or escape route.
24. It’s okay to lose your shit. Be it about love, your job, or just dissatisfaction with your general life situation . Or, the fact you’re TURNING FUCKING 25!
25. Life just really is one big old ride and the 25th stop can’t be that different from the previous 24… can it?